A reference in my last post made me realize that I have a private, strange battle between two actresses going on in my head. For one of these actresses I can almost guarantee I will hate her movies, regardless of what they are. For the other, I can almost guarantee I will heartily enjoy her films, even if only for camp factor. Who are these mystery actresses? Which one do I like? Which one makes my skin crawl? Julia Roberts and Kirstie Alley. Do you want to take a guess? The only hint I will give is that it applies to movies only and one is in one of my favorite movies of all time while the other is in one of my most hated… go ahead, talk amongst yourselves, I’ll just go grab a snack and hang out with the Grumpy Jr.
So, are you ready for the answer?
I hate Julia Roberts. Now, you might be asking yourself how America’s Sweetheart could be pure box office poison for me? Well, beyond the horrid chick flicks she’s stared in that make prostitution look like a fine, pleasant profession, she’s made two movies in particular that are worthy of public execution.
The first movie is proof of my only great movie theory… That Nick Nolte is a blank conduit for whatever script he gets. Give him the best script in the world and he’ll amaze you. Give him a bad script and you’ll wish the VC were shoving bamboo under your fingernails. This movie is I Love Trouble. We’re supposed to believe that a 20-something Roberts, writing for some local newspaper, would get into madcap adventures and then fall in love with a 273 year old Nolte. Part of my bitterness about this movie is that when I saw it (and yes, it was in the theatre I’m ashamed to admit), we had to go to this movie instead of True Lies because of an idiotic stoner loser who had to smoke just a little more and didn’t want the violence of an action movie. Of course, girls were involved so my best friend and I didn’t tell them all to go to hell. We went to see the movie.
The other film Julia Roberts made that stands out as pure shit in my head is My Best Friend’s Wedding. The crime against humanity put Roberts in the role of well, the best friend who tried to destroy the happiness of all around her. She was like Godzilla with red hair, screaming and knocking all kinds of things down while innocent bystanders could only look on in awe and point. What’s worse is that it has opened the door for the inverse Made of
Shit Honor to be developed and unleashed upon us; much like Godzilla allowed for Mothra or some other horrible monster.
Kirstie Alley on the other hand, has created two of the finest movies ever. The first is a movie that can be watched over and over, on both a serious and sarcastic basis. This film is Ricardo Monteblan’s finest hour (though his role in the Planet of the Apes series could be argued)… it is Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Need I say more? Kirk, Khan, Alley as a Vulcan. Ships fighting, Shakespearean quotes, Sulu, weird ear worms that gave me nightmares. In one word this movie is pure AWESOMENESS!
But Alley has more than Sci-Fi in her madskillz. She has made one of the most under rated movies of our time. A movie that has drama, comedy, a ragtag group of teenagers, and a future cast member of Melrose Place. That movie? Carl Reiner’s Summerschool.
Beyond that, Alley has been in the fine Look
Who Won’t Shut Up Who’s Talking Series, Cheers, and offered us the drama of watching her weight change in television commercials.
In this grudge match, Kirstie Alley wins by a bodyslam!